Will They Never Stop? by faculties on Blogster

Here’s what arrived in my inbox today. (Some details changed to avoid my tenure being revoked.)

Dear [Severely Underpaid Professor],

In the last few weeks hundreds of our colleagues have learned about the impact that private giving can have here on campus. We have had such great response to It’s Our University that we are in need of just 127 more donors in order to showcase that 35% of faculty and staff support Underfunded U. with a gift in addition to all they give everyday.

It’s not too late to make your gift. While giving all year makes a big difference, if you give by Friday, May 11 you can help your department reach 50% participation and have a new book placed in Underfunded Libraries in its honor. You can designate your gift to any area you choose. Some funds are listed online at [name suppressed to protect the outrageous], but there are many other options, contact me if you don’t see the area you wish to support.

It’s Our University, and I hope you’ll join me and your colleagues by making a financial contribution.

Sincerely,

[Someone paid to extract funding from the underpaid]

I would just like to point out a few relevant facts:

1. The word “everyday,” spelled as one word, is an adjective. As in “everyday extortion,” “everyday insensitivity,” etc. What is meant here is “every day.” “...in addition to all they give every day.” Two separate words, used as an adverb. As in “Every day the underpaid professors engage in a fruitless battle against illiteracy.”

2. “...there are many other options, contact me if you don’t see the area you wish to support.” This is known as a comma splice. It is wrong. You can’t join two separate sentences with a comma. You need a period or a semi-colon. (In rare instances a colon, but let’s not even get into that.)

3. I already contribute enormously to the university’s financial health by accepting a salary some $30,000 less than professors of my rank at comparable institutions. And in addition to my $30,000 annual contribution, you want me to give more? So you’ll put a book with my department’s name on it in the library? What do you take me for? ($30,000 a year, perhaps?)

Bah, humbug. And I am not proud of my university’s literacy, contact me if you want further details, I will be happy to discuss exasperating fundraising letters everyday.

Sincerely,

The Grouchy Pedant

1 comment on Will They Never Stop?

soultrawler said 1 years ago
[THUMBUP] I'm glad to see there's another Grouchy Pedant afoot! Would that there were millions of us: that would mean less post-operation staff infections, less near-war misunderstandings (as when a fumble-fingered secretary typed that the U.S. had detonated nukes in Sudan, whereas she meant to type Sedan, a city in Nevada), less broken tooth crowns, less engine damage from unreplaced screws, less wildfires ravaging homes, etc. etc. Nowadays it's called "anally retentive," but in the old days, it was called "excellence."